Letting Down the Pressure

When parents start their work with us, they often ask how to “jumpstart” the toilet teaching process. In this video, we explain why less pressure, not more, may help you and your child get started stronger and with less conflict.

Associated Resources:

We know it might not make a lot of sense to “lower the bar” with your child around toilet use right now.

• Take a look at this list of Steps to Toileting Participation to think of some low-or-no stress ways your child can be a part of the toilet-learning process.
• If you are getting into power struggles with your child, check out our Prompt Hierarchy to consider how you can decrease the pressure put on your child.

A full transcript of the video appears below.

Hi, I’m Tammy Willey, family resource consultant with the Vermont Continence Project.

And I’m Chayah Lichtig, Director and Occupational Therapy consultant with the Vermont Continence Project. So we’re going to talk to you in this video about how to relate to your child and their continence as you’re stepping into this program. For example, hey, Tammy, why did the chicken cross the road?

I don’t know why, Chayah?

Because the rooster farted.

Good one, good one, Chayah. Okay, I’ve got one. And why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

Why?

He was looking for Pooh.

Oh, that’s a good one.

Yeah, but in all seriousness maybe you’ve been asking yourself why is this toileting thing taking so long?

That is a question we get a lot. You’re not alone. We find that parents, and even well-meaning, well-informed providers are often missing some key piece of information about a child’s health, development or learning needs that’s made it hard for them to really get toileting.

So what’s the next step, Chayah?

Hm, well, we have two goals at the beginning of this process. Number one, to better understand the reasons for your child’s incontinence. This is most of what we discuss in the first two units. Goal number two is to create new positive associations with toileting. This is actually the harder part for most parents. It means taking your foot off the gas and decreasing the pressure on our kids’ continence and toilet use.

Okay, so how do we take our foot off the gas and maintain momentum? I mean, shouldn’t we take it up a notch and be more assertive to move things along?

There are a lot of reasons that a parent might want to pull back on their focus on toileting incontinence with their child for a moment. So parents and children often get into difficult dynamics around participating in toileting. In this process, you may have to ask your child to do things they’ve never done before and you’re going to need them to be on board. You’re probably also tired of doing the same thing but without any change or improvement. Instead, we hope you’ll devote that time and energy to learning about the signs that we’re going to teach.

Tired, frustrated, overwhelmed. Tell me more, Chayah.

We recommend a positive approach that decreases the pressure for everyone involved. We suggest that you step back on direct prompting in terms of sitting on and using the toilet, also, hygiene and dressing. Help your child more and decrease asking them to sit on the toilet. Decrease expectations of them being dry and clean. This means let their natural patterns emerge at least for a few days while you gather data.

So it sounds like you are suggesting that parents build their toolbox.

Yes, in the coming videos, we’re going to give you a lot of information that will help you have a clearer picture of your child’s skills and needs related to continence. We’re going to focus heavily on health questions because almost all people referred to the Continence Project have a health concern that affects their continence. Tammy, can you offer any advice or suggestions for what a parent can do or tell themselves in a moment of change and challenge with their child?

Yeah, I think a little reflection can help us shift our perspective. I think ask yourself how do you want your child to remember toilet learning? How do you want them to feel about it? And what do you want your role as teacher to look like? I think the goal is to not engage in huge power struggles in this, around this process. Am I right, Chayah?

I agree with that completely.

So Chayah, ready for another poop joke?

No, they stink.

Yes, that was perfect. Thank you so much for taking the time to watch this video. The information contained in this video is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional health or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare professional.