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The Constipation CycleToilet training is a time ripe for power struggles between adults and children. In this video, clinical psychologist Rebecca Ruid explains how to avoid or diffuse power struggles with your child while working on toileting.
Transcript
Hello, I’m Rebecca Ruid, a pediatric psychologist with the Vermont Continence Project. We’re based at the Center on Disability and Community Inclusion at the University of Vermont.
Today’s topic is stepping out of power struggles.
Inspirational speaker Alexander Den Heijer is quoted as saying:
“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
When we consider tasks like gardening, we instinctively focus on what’s within our control—adjusting the environment—rather than trying to change things we can’t control. Yet, when it comes to parenting, especially around tasks like toileting, we often try to control the uncontrollable.
This presentation is designed to help you refocus on the aspects of your child’s toileting journey that are within your control, rather than spending energy on what isn’t. In doing so, you’re likely to not only see more success but also reduce power struggles.
What is a Power Struggle?
A power struggle happens when two or more people fight for control. Every living, sentient being is born with a temperament—a biologically based and relatively stable way of reacting to the world.
There are three basic temperamental styles:
- Easy or Flexible: Adaptable, calm, predictable, and not easily upset.
- Active or Feisty: Intense, fussy, easily overwhelmed, and reactive to change.
- Slow to Warm or Cautious: Often fussy, less active, and hesitant to try new things.
Take a moment to reflect:
- What is your temperament?
- What is your child’s?
- Do your styles align—or differ?
- How might this influence your view of and interactions with your child?
Feel free to pause and consider these questions.
Temperament and Environment = Personality
While we don’t control temperament, we do influence the environment—so let’s focus there.
If your child is easy or flexible, the toileting journey is likely to go smoothly (barring medical concerns). These children are often intrinsically motivated and eager to master new skills. Still, readiness is key, no matter the temperament. Refer to our Toilet Teaching and Readiness handout and video for more on this.
If your child is slow to warm, they may need smaller steps and a more deliberate pace. Routine is helpful, and preparation for changes is essential. These children may appear defiant when they are actually feeling anxious. If you notice resistance, consider whether fear or anxiety might be the root cause.
If your child—or you—are active and feisty, this combo poses the highest risk for power struggles. These children may instinctively resist adult goals to assert independence. It’s vital to:
- Allow plenty of time for toilet learning
- Offer choices (e.g., “Toilet paper or wipes?”)
- Use distress tolerance skills (see our handout)
Be especially careful if your temperament is feisty, too—you may find yourself engaging in a full-blown power struggle without realizing it.
Avoiding Power Struggles
When you sense a power struggle brewing, don’t push back—but also don’t give up all control. Instead, meet your child with calm, clear, and consistent expectations. This communicates confidence and stability.
Use:
- Empathy: “I can see that you’re frustrated that I expect you to put your dirty pull-up in the bag. Feeling frustrated is hard.”
- Validation: “It makes sense you’re frustrated. When I’m told to do something I don’t want to do, I get frustrated too.”
Check:
- Are you expecting something your child isn’t ready for? (See the Readiness Checklist)
- Are you trying to control something that isn’t yours to control? (See the Division of Responsibility handout)
And always offer choices—because when children feel they have control, they’re less likely to resist
Remember: A power struggle requires two people—but it only takes one to step out of it.
We hope this presentation has helped you find ways to avoid engaging in power struggles during your child’s toileting journey.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact us at:
📧 continents@uvm.edu
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